DENNIS KABASAN

could you shorten this. it’s tltr, too long to read!

ALEX ALLMAN

Americans and their short attention spans…

STEVE EISENBERG

I thought the article was too short. Could you make it longer, please?

DUANE

Yeah, this was too short or needs a follow-up…

I’m currently dealing with a test. Fiancee moved in over the weekend, moved out Wednesday afternoon… Only talked to her via text since and it’s been a week. I’ve handled the situation almost 100% to the T what you have above, and now I just wait… I can be patient, and her week last week had WAY more than just a move in (we should have planned that better).

ALEX ALLMAN

Sounds like a rough situation brother. Sometimes things are more than just tests. It’s quite significant to move in and then move out so rapidly and I have to wonder what underlying motivations were at work. Did you guys have a terrible fight? Do you think she is panicking because of some past trauma? Did something radically change for her outside of the relationship?

JOE

Nonsense, if she is mature and serious she will look for the same things in you, I’m not desperate nor foolish, no times for games and teenage temper tantrums, id rather live alone than play games with a persons life what I have to offer is real sincere honest kind affectionate respectful fun challenging, and real take it or leave it.

ALEX ALLMAN

Awww Joe, I’m so sorry that you feel that way. Sadly being “mature and serious” do not change the basic facts of being human. All the humans that real, sincere, honest, kind, affection, respectful, and fun are also subject to bad moods, occasional bouts of wild irrationality, and insecurities. If you intend to have a relationship with a human and not a robot, you’ve got to deal with that. The other path is just lonely.

MARTIN Z

I truly enjoy this because of the attention to detail on human nature. Not so much “how to get women” because that truly almost has nothing to do with it. But yet accepting your roll as an animal and understanding the way it works. Not the way you feel. Thumbs up man

DOUG FOSTER

Very good! This was helpful! Thank you!!

SCOTT DESTEPHANIS

Great post Alex!

I remember so many times in my relationship where my wife (then girlfriend) would get ridiculously angry at me for what I thought was no reason whatsoever! Learning to be ok with her anger and not threatened by it totally changed the game for us (and made our sex life better too)

Thanks for writing this, more people need to hear it!

ALEX ALLMAN

Thanks Scott!

CRISTIANO

Couldn’t stop smiling wile reading this post. I have been failing these tests for years. I’m finally starting to understand so many situations and life could’ve been so much better if I had realised this before.

Thanks Alex.

ALEX ALLMAN

Yes, yes! I remember when I first started figuring this out I thought, “why didn’t somebody tell me this sooner?!” Because as soon as you get good at passing tests, you stop getting them. It’s strangely ironic.

SAMI T

Allex, you’re so spot on!! That is EXACTLY what happened to me in my previous relationship.. This explains so much, finally i can look back and make sense of things after 3 years!! Now i can really have some closure..You are the man!!

DANE

Such a timely reminder Alex. Truly helps me to see ( again , damn it) how insecure I am !! Or at least how I’ve allowed myself to react without mindfulness.
A broad audience you speak to but for me it’s simply and profoundly pushing me to unconditionality ……..deeper spirituality.

Thankyou
Dane

SHAWN THOMAS

Hey Alex my wife blows up too. Out of nowhere but I think it has more to do with she wanting to leave me. How do I apply this to keeping her.

ALEX ALLMAN

You make an important point Shawn– just because a woman is angry doesn’t make it a test.

If she wants to leave you, but she hasn’t yet, then I suppose the person she’s angry with is HERSELF for not having the courage to do it… and then she’s taking it out on you as the object of her anger (what Freud called “projection,” and one of his most useful observations in real life).

As to your question of how to keep her– Well the important thing I hope I can get you to agree to is that if she truly wants to leave, you don’t want her to stay. If you truly Love her (I used the capital there intentionally), then you’ll want to help her get what she deeply wants, even if it hurts.

And if you can open a conversation with her with her truly understanding that you want her to get what she truly wants, then you have a chance to begin becoming the man that she wants to stay with.

We (ALL of us) make so many mistakes in relationship that erode the trust, the confidence, and the emotional freedom of our partners. Discovering them and fixing them as you go makes relationships easy, enjoyable, and passionate– deepening over time. But all too often we don’t realize we’re making mistakes. Our partner isn’t communicating in a way that we’re able to understand. Over time these things build up, resentments form, eventually someone throws up their hands and gives up.

Sometimes these things can be giant transformational opportunities in life that offer huge growth, change, and ultimately immense life-satisfaction and joy if we can turn them around. It is big, scary work, but if you are inspired then this is the basis of a conversation with your woman.

On the other hand, sometimes it is the end of the relationship that allows us to be begin again more intelligently, compassionately, and wiser than we were before.

There is no wrong path.

I do hope you’ve gotten a copy of Passion & Attraction That Lasts, the program that I was promoting all week. There is so much important stuff in there for you… whether it successfully resolves your current crisis or not.

GARETH JAMES

I’ve known about these tests for years. What I didn’t know was how to pass them. I fear I failed my last test very badly. Next time I will pass, thanks
Gareth

SHAWN THOMAS

Thanks Alex and you I do have the program Passion & Attraction and I have learned so much in one week about females. And I notice I said a lot of wrong things. I think more that she may still be around could be cause we have 2 kids.

ROBERT LEE

Great post….I find women rarely do something without “feeling” about it in detail (emotionally or mentally) ….if men operated this way there would be paralysis by analysis and nothing would ever get done. It is neither good or bad but just 2 different operating systems….to respond from only your system point of view will usually miss the desired outcome entirely. .

CASSIAN

Hi Alex, your approach is very in-keeping with the Way of The Superior Man – David Deida. Wether we integrate his book or not, to my mind a superior-man is by his very nature plugged in to this kind of consciousness.
The more I see of your work the more I love it…
Cassian.

I purchased your Revolutionary Sex guide…

JOSHUA MUSHAURI

Passing these tests is very much dependent on how much self-control we men can master or have. Responding too quickly in the heat of the moment just throws us off balance and we lose the plot. The contest then becomes “who wins the irrationality competition”? My favourite defence mechanism is to walk off from the initial confrontation without saying anything and come back when my partner has cooled off and “pass the test”! Not only do I pass the test but I find that I gain more love, trust and RESPECT!

BRAYDEN KEELER

Definitely some of the better advice people can get about spats like these. How about when the girl your dating has anxiety problems, where these irrational fears don’t have a basis in fact or experience? It seems to me (my problem for constantly getting my self into these things, most likely) that for fights like these there is no real right way to handle them, that their anxiety will convince them that the fear isn’t unfounded, even when proven otherwise? Asides from medications to temper the anxiety, and counciling to help deal with the outbursts of irrationality, sometimes these things happen and I can honestly say I have no idea how to safely weather these “test” of anxiety.

ALEX ALLMAN

Hey Brayden, you’ve asked a question way beyond the scope of this post. “Testing” as I discuss it here is something that happens between normal, mentally and emotionally healthy men and women.

Anxiety problems are not something that I am expert on– but my first thought reading this was: “And who says she has an anxiety problem? Would she agree with this assessment of your relationship, or would she have a very different side of the story?”

If she has a different side to it, then you might be absolutely flabbergasted to discover, if you have the opportunity to work with a very smart couples counselor, that YOU might be triggering her anxiety with all sorts of shadow issues and behaviors that you think are completely normal and justified… but are actually bat-shit crazy.

The reason I mention that is that when I work with couples, at least half the time, the one who thinks they are the “normal” and “healthy” one turns out to be completely unaware of how they are contributing to the problems.

AND… of course, if she has some clinical anxiety problems that are causing her to have irrational bouts of anger towards you, that’s not what this blog post is about.

Some of the ideas may be helpful anyway, but in the end, if her anxiety is sourced in symptoms having nothing to do with you, then there is no way to make long-term progress without her dealing directly with her anxiety through therapy, medication, or some other direct intervention.

PETER

What is your take on her biology testing you vs. her biology picking a fight to create an schist so that she can go harvest sperm elsewhere certain times of the month? I realize that sounds so impersonable or textbook question:), but I am curious.

ALEX ALLMAN

Hey Peter, I know that David Buss and some other scientists have proposed all sorts of theories along those lines, and all I can tell you is that I’ve discussed the issue with many other reputable scientists and professors (including Geoffrey Miller who works in the same field and wrote books on similar topics, e.g., The Mating Mind) who all dismiss it as nonsense. Or more properly, non-science.

There is very little basis for these theories– though equally there is little basis for any other theory as we have very little knowledge of how our not-so-distant ancestors (prior to large-scale social systems like religions taking over) conducted their sexual habits.

It’s like the JFK and Abraham Lincoln conspiracy. If you want to believe it, it’s there to be believed. But there’s not a shred of “real” evidence supporting it.

The truth is that it is exceedingly rare for a woman in a fight with her spouse to run off and cheat during that period.

DAMI

“…during that period”.

I see what you did there, very deft wit.

SHAWN THOMAS

How do you win back you’re wife’s heart if it’s possible. After 10 yr of PE and she wants out of marriage.

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ROBERT ROOT

Thank you Alex. Excellent as always. I’ve certainly dealt with this many times and in a variety of “test” styles. Some distancing, some aggressive; others, a mix of the two. It is true that no matter how good we are, how mature or at ease in self-respect and identity, we are flawed, human, raw and imperfect. Really, thank God for that fact. Not so much for a predilection toward craziness but toward real vulnerability, growth and intimacy which tends to be born by fire and through trial…relationship trials I have both failed and passed in different seasons, respectively. It’s always both energizing and visceral to read your work. All the best to you, your work and your family.
Robert

FRANK

Ha! I too have learned about this sort of thing the hard way. Thing is, more often than not, I’ve tended to flunk *her* out, and kick her to the curb prematurely. Sometimes very coldly. I’m not proud of it, and have learned to recognize this sort of thing is not necessarily disrespectful or indicative of an unacceptable pattern of behavior.

Maybe previously I’d been involved with women who were exceptionally in control and level-headed, too, and thought that exceptional sort of situation to be the norm. Talk about not knowing how good one had it!.

But when they’ve freaked out, sometimes I’ve had to take extreme action, such as getting in the car to take off, in order to shut it down if she really crosses the line; but I’ve found that can be OK if it’s from a position of righteous indignation, while not giving up on the relationship. Getting some space, if you will.

To a point about mental health challenges brought up above, I’ve been seeing a woman who has chemical hypersensitivity issues; which by their very nature cause disordered thinking and really crazy behavior. But I’ve been there myself (having greatly improved with a holistic regimen); and so can understand and sympathize; and she’s openly acknowledged it. In a strange way it’s brought us closer together. The key is how supportive one is aside from those infrequent instances.

Another thing is that maybe a lot more people have such issues on this toxic planet.

OPROL EVORTER

You really make it seem so easy with your presentation however I to find this matter to be really something that I believe I might never understand. It sort of feels too complicated and very vast for me. I’m looking ahead on your next submit, I will try to get the hold of it!

JAMES KIBBY

I though this was helpful. I’m going through this at the moment and have thought about ending the relationship. Now i won’t even mention it. I’m amped to get back on track now. Thanks man

BARRIE MARU

Hi Alex, I’m not a quick thinker and struggle to keep up with this stuff. I had a great girl that i think started menopause and came out attacking me. I am totally failed with my responces .I live mostly in a practical world and think she lives in an Emotional place. She has moved on leaving me a mess, missing her like crazy and seeing her with another bloke the other day cut deep… what next?

MICHAEL DIONISSOPOULOS

Hello Alex, I understand now.
Thank you.
My problem presently is I’ve alone for 3 years now and don’t know how to get a woman to date me. I ‘ve become timid and insecure and every time I see a woman I want I start shaking and thoughts of I’m no good, don’t have anything to offer, too old…. come up and
loose any chance I have. Btw I’m 43 y. I

MICHAEL MCFARLANE

Thank you for the great post. I see now that I have failed some tests in the past as I reacted rather responded.

PAT K.

Alex, This is the exact advice I see given time and time again to men struggling to understand this basic truth. It is dead on. We all struggle and all get tested. When you start making changes in your life to improve yourself you will see them start with a vengeance. Especially if you have been failing tests or if you have become a complacent person. Start working out and dieting, the first things you will hear are you’re going to leave me, I like you just as you are. You’re having an affair, you don’t think I’m pretty any more. The test are about safety and congruency. Especially if she has seen what she deemed manipulative behavior in the past.

Keep up the great content,

MATT

you said nothing at all here. what if im not lying?

ALEX ALLMAN

Hey Matt, based on the tone of your comment I’m guessing you’re still in some significant pain from a hard situation. Take a read through the comments above just to get some perspective on what it *might* look like after cooling off and easing back on your certainty about how badly you’ve been wronged.

Here’s my suggestion: What if her accusation that you are lying (about the thing that you’re not lying about) is not at all a reflection of her opinion about you and your integrity, but rather a revelation about her and her insecurity? What if as wonderful and amazing as you thought she was, she is ALSO someone who was badly wounded in her past (perhaps by a previous relationship, her father, or a trusted mentor?), and she needs real help to heal this wound?

It’s possible, of course, that she’s just too fucked up, the wound is too deep, you don’t want this responsibility, it’s not your job to stand in this particular fire with her. That’s totally okay brother. No judgements here at all.

But as you figure out whether or not she fits into your life going forward, just make sure you take the time to really sit with the truth of your own really bat-shit issues (you’ve got ’em), and also deeply consider the way in which you are making all of this about you and your hurt feelings, and not considering what this looks like from her perspective. Her not realizing that you are a noble hero with impeccable integrity who wouldn’t tell a white lie to save a puppy is simply because she cannot and will never be able to read your mind.

And just to be super-clear about this: I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. This article might actually hold nothing of use for you and your situation If that’s the case, my apologies. It’s very relevant for some men in some situations, and that is the spirit in which it is offered.

Best of luck to you my friend.